I AM SO BORED.
I am now very tempted to go to Republiq for some Wednesday rebellion but..
..I've to STAY good.
Yeheeeeessss, I've been myself lately. Thanks a lot to some people who believed in me. That I can go back to being Tricia and forget about the TY that I have been for some months after Gab and I's break-up.
Yea, you heard that right.
I've a little maarteng confession to make. I'm quite sure not a lot of people (who matter) will read this but if I am talking to God now and He'd want me to explain why I've been acting strong, manhid, bitchy, bully, asshole, abnoy, sabaw lately well here it goes.
I come in peace.
Labo.
Well...
Have you ever been in that situation when everything's sooo fucked up? As in FUCKED UP, in bold, all caps, italicized, exclamation point.
Well really, I have been taking care of myself for a long time now (long time=some 20 years). If there's one person who can define independence, that would be ME.
I don't wanna go about my childhood story or the fact that my parents weren't truly ready for the whole family thing and I had to stay strong for myself and siblings. And I grew up with that mindset: I have to be strong, or else everyone that I love would get hurt.
And so I've never subjected myself to anyone or anything that might cause me pain.
Until I fell in love.
After 21 failed relationships and 20 years of existence, I met someone whom I can actually call my katapat. And yes, he was Gab. I really did learn how to love. I learned the meaning of sacrifice (like so much), honesty, loyalty.. I learned how to get jealous.. to meet a boyfriend's parents and whole angkan, to forget about how I feel because his feelings are much more important than mine, to just give and not expect anything in return, to cry over missing someone, to upload cheesy videos on Facebook for his birthday or our anniversary, to not want anyone else but him, to get hurt and offended and still be the one to say sorry...
I actually felt that. So see, I'm human.
It was actually a good couple of years. I took a risk for the first time in my life. It was like a make-or-break situation for me. It was my first time, my first love (naaakkkks!).
Can I just say, before I talk about the pa-deep things, that we had a lot of fun while we were together. Those, I can say, were the happiest lovelife days of my life. And I was surprised to see that from being matigas and bato, I can be very malambing and patient pala. So yes, I did great. Even he, said so.
Anyway eto naaa.
Whenever I get mad/hurt/sad, I always tell my ex this:
"Please, wag mo sagarin pasensya ko. Ngayon lang ako naging ganito. Di ko alam ano mangyayari pag naubos pasensya ko. Di ko talaga alam."
WHICH IS TRUE.
If you guys only knew what happened, you will know why I was traumatized. Well sort of.
I GOT NUMB.
I did not want to. Who would not want to be happy again after a very dragging relationship right?
BUT I GOT NUMB.
I just wanted to have fun. And so I went on meeting new people, telling them that this should be all fun and feelings should never, ever happen.
Ay shit. I sound like a robot. Haha anyway.
I succeeded naman.
At least I was able to contain whatever I have (or don't have) inside.
So I thought I was doing well, protecting myself against all the pain relationships can give (and yes, he was the first man who broke my heart) but I WAS WRONG.
In a matter of months, I have hurt a lot of people. And that was sooo wrong. And I wish I could take it back.
Alam mo yung nawala ka sa sarili?
And then you ask yourself,
"What was I thinking?!"
And then all you can do is cry.
I was stupid, mean, selfish, and most of all... a coward.
Sobrang takot masaktan kaya nananakit is the exact description of the TY that I was for the past months.
And now I can admit that.
Why? Cause I'm not numb, not dumb either anymore.
I just caught feelings.
At EWAN EWAN EWAN ko ba, wala ng naniniwala sakin.
So boo.
